Kids Who Feel Like Divorcing Their Non-custodial Parent

I’m thinking quite a bit about a child’s choices regarding a parent they do not want to see. I’ve watched friends go through this, and I’m now going through this myself with my 16-year-old son. Some of my friends feel if a child has serious negative feelings about one parent they are better off having no contact. My thoughts are that the child’s feelings need to be taken seriously, but I don’t believe no contact is a good thing. An obvious exception is when the child has an abusive parent, in which case I feel supervised visitation is usually the best option. The child generally needs an opportunity to spend time with that parent. There are, of course, the obvious exceptions to this with regard to the kind of abuse, and its’ severity along with the child’s state of mental health. In my career as a mental health therapist and my time spent volunteering at my son’s school when he was younger, I have yet to see a child who did not crave love from both parents, regardless of the situation. In fact, don’t we see this in each other as adults? Most of us still want to please our parents and make them happy. We want to be important to them. I don’t think this dynamic ever really goes away completely.

Of course, parents have rights, and there are laws to protect those rights. Any parent who has not been abusive and has been a loving parent should not be denied the right to see his or her child. I want to make it clear that I do not believe in giving over all the power to a young child or a teen! It is best if the parents can work together and co-parent. I address situations where there are serious issues with one parent, but not the other. These issues are probably evident to all who were close to the family before and after the divorce. If the non-custodial parent is really willing to take a look at herself or himself, admit to problems that adversely affect the child, and work toward changing it is wonderful. Unfortunately, it is not likely to happen. An individual who has difficulty facing his or her deficits will usually not step up to the plate, or even have the ability. That being said, sometimes it is not the non-custodial parent who is the biggest problem in the restructured family.

All too often I believe spouses who are the favored parent project their own hurt and anger into the relationship between the child and the other parent. When children are younger than 12 they should be visiting the